When I come home drunk,
poignant and lonely and wanting to cuddle and kiss.*
I want to reach out to my social media to say that I’m lonely, but
I do not want to cuddle and kiss the people–only men–who respond,
who i imagine are so full of the aridities and coarsenesses in myself that have eroded me emotionally to the point of longing for an extremely-well-oiled gentleness.
Sad. can I rip off this desire-tree that wants cuddles and rewire the motivational roots concretized in this set of desires and
build a tree that can be satisfied with something that i _can_ reliably and healthily achieve?
is there something i’m being picky about?
* just someone who will be kind. someone who wants to forget, with me, for a moment, the importance of being sternly whatever it is we usually sternly are.
something graceful. two people who are willing to take a moment to be fully with each other.
i am afraid of men, and resentful of men, and jealous of men, and afraid to care too much about men for fear of being unable to conceal a type of care that has grown socially unacceptable. afraid to love them so greatly that if they exhibit the aggression typical to masculinity it will be unbearably painful. afraid to get too close to them because then i will be in range and vulnerable when they strike out violently.
part of me wondered why it might make sense to care whether a person who doesn’t know you wants to hold you, but
what are you really? what are all the words and schemas you’ve built up anyway? if they can feel your vibe while they hold you and your vibe is acceptable and loveable, then you-and-truly-you are indeed being found loveable and acceptable.
i feel anger for everyone who ever told me to find one-and-only-one person to love and build a suburban household with them. how you all shamed and belittled me. i cut off pieces of myself every day for years trying to follow your ultra-confident advice. i hate you (or the part of you that insisted on it) for it. please scar yourselves and think of your mistake whenever your old, not-all-the-way-healed wound hurts.