So lately I’ve been thinking back to a feeling I had (or at least, I am telling myself I had) while getting my wisdom teeth out. Whatever anesthesia they gave me was not intended to make me unconscious so much as totally out of it and unconcerned. So, “I” (though I was pretty dissimilar to how I usually am) was able to watch and experience this procedure, and I was numbed, so I couldn’t feel the direct areas that were being cut and broken and yanked on, but I did experience this:
Watching the hands, the many hands moving above me and into me and around me, moving things around in me with no action on my part required–in fact, no action even possible on my part–doing things whose intention or purpose was unknown to me, things I could not sense with the actual affected area but by the pressure they generated in relatively distant areas that were not numbed. It is a feeling that makes me feel ever-so-slightly weird in my stomach.
To be honest with you, I kind of feel like that’s going on all the time. God’s or the universe’s or my subconscious’s hands moving over me and in me as I lie there–supine, attentive, but ultimately uncomprehending–pushing things into me and pulling things out of me and moving things around in me in ways I can only detect very indirectly.